Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice – Review

SPOLIERS!!! (NO SHIT)

This movie… Makes me sad. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it. I actually liked some of the stuff, which surprised me cos’ I didn’t expect to like anything at all. So here’s some of the things I’d like to talk about…

First off, we’re introduced to Metropolis being destroyed during the Zod fight in ‘Man of Steel.’ And of course they needed this, so they could establish the theme of this movie being: ‘Does Superman need to be kept in check?’ But I have several issues with this. Ok. I mean, we see Bruce Wayne call his company and tell some guy to get out of the building. WHY THEY WERE STILL THERE GUARDING THE COMPANY IN THE NAME OF MR. WAYNE WHEN THERE’S A GIANT GRAVITY PENIS LITERALLY RAPING THE EARTH, STILL BAFFLES ME. I mean, what was in there? Was there the promise of eternal life in the building? Does WayneTech develop the Lazarus Pit in this universe or something? Why the hell is everyone still in there, and need Bruce Wayne’s confirmation to leave? Seriously? They couldn’t have found another way to plant some negative views of Superman into Bruce Wayne?

And then… We see… Some… Abomination…

lex-luthor-batman-v-superman-hair-jesse-eisenberg
Why him? Of EVERYONE ELSE IN HOLLYWOOD WHO WOULD’VE SAID YES TO THIS ROLE

Let’s clear things out before we address this grotesque, misshapen elephant in the room…

I do not think Eisenberg is a bad actor. He’s good. Really. In fact, I think he does a good job at… Whatever he’s supposed to be in this film. But I seriously want to slap some sense into whoever decided that it was a good idea to deviate from the essence of what Lex Luthor was, and turn him into some shitty teenager madman. I mean, I really don’t get why they did this – or why they thought it was a good idea. Lex Luthor, for centuries has been depicted as the calm, calculating villain that stood against Superman. He has the tech and the smarts. Hell, he’s like an evil Batman, without the intense ninja training. He’s basically Tony Stark, with less obsession over armor. He’s smart, charming, and knows how to get out of any situation. But why in good god’s name did they decide that a young, eccentric, quirky, 90’s C-grade cartoon character depiction was a good idea? I really don’t get it! If they were looking for a crazy character, they have the Joker! What, Jared Leto’s depiction not good enough for you? I haven’t seen Suicide Squad yet, but he still seems crazy enough in the trailers. I mean, there’s literally no point in creating an upbeat version of Lex Luthor!

OH BUT IT GETS BETTER.

Because this dipshit gets his head shaved at the end of the film.

So that is basically Snyder’s ‘excuse’ that he uses to tell us that this ‘thing’ is Lex Luthor. No. You don’t deserve to be called Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor is the glory that was built from Clancy Brown’s soothing voice. You’re not him, nor will I ever call you that.

When I first saw that Eisenberg was going to be in the film, I assumed he was going to play Jimmy Olsen. The kid that follows around Clark Kent and helps him with his work. But nope. That option flied out the window. (Rather quickly too, I might add.)

And then let me talk about one more thing… I mean there’s still a ton of things that bug me, like the fact that THEY KILL SUPERMAN OFF. (How are they going to fix that? What, he just magically comes back to life? And doesn’t everybody know who he is now anyway? Doesn’t Lex Luthor know who he is now? Even if he comes back, how is he going to survive knowing that everyone knows his secret identity?)

The thing I really want to talk about is Wonder Woman.

First off, mad props to Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. When I first heard they were including Wonder Woman in the film, some rumors surfaced and I was scared shitless when I heard that Megan Fox was going to play the part. Then I sighed and thought: “Well Snyder, at least you’re giving me boobs.”

wonder-woman-movie-2017-gal-gadot-images1
Not bad.jpg

But this time, the costume, (although still quite… Revealing) is better than most depictions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not that feminist guy that goes “OMG WHAT ARE THEY WEARING THAT SLUT THIS DEGRADES THE IMAGE OF WOMEN LOLOLOL” But I have to admit that sometimes, outfits can be quite revealing and play too much to the sex appeal, to the point that I feel sorry for the actresses who don’t really want to wear them, and just want to make their mark on the world of film through acting, and playing a part they love. In that regard, good job.

On the other hand… Why was she in the film?

No, seriously. Think about it. Why was Wonder Woman in the film, other than serve as some sort of sequel bait. And Jason Momoa for that matter! He has literally one minute of screen time, where all he does is stab a camera.

Let’s look at this more closely. We see Wonder Woman first at the same part Bruce and Clark is at, and she does some dance with Bruce, talks with him about ancient weapons and shit, then takes some hard drive containing info about “Meta Humans” (Plot item.) So what does she do when she realizes that Bruce Wayne has uncovered part of her identity as some form of immortal warrior woman who fought in WW2?

Nothing.

No, I’m serious. She’s gone for like the rest of the film. I guess her invisible jet malfunctioned or something, I dunno.

And then out of nowhere, she comes out during the fight against a cave troll from Mordor Doomsday, and proceeds to kick ass…

How… Why? Where were you, and why did you come at this specific time? Because the world will end if these two don’t stop fighting? The film really could’ve progressed without her character. Hell, I’m pretty sure there’s plenty of iterations out there where Superman beats the shit out of Doomsday by himself. It’s just that the writers were probably being pressured into including like, four films in one, and so she was made to exist.

And with all these bitching and whining opinions I have laid out for this ‘review’…

I have to say that it’s as bad as they say. I mean, personally, I didn’t like it all that much. There’s so many plot holes, so many stupid ideas and more… But I really liked the fighting scenes between Batman and Superman, which is what they should’ve just focused on. Oh, and one more confession: I was really worried about Affleck as Batman, but he does a solid job. But in the end, maybe the reason why I don’t like it as much is because… I’m still stuck in Nolan’s world. Ledger, Bale and Hardy still linger in my heart as a realistic interpretation of super heroes. I think that my mind was divided between: “If you wanna go and see a more realistic, dark superhero movie, then watch Nolan’s stuff. If you want action, then go watch the Marvel stuff.” And to me, now that the Nolan’s stuff is over and Snyder is taking over, (God help us.) I guess it had a negative effect on how I view the film.

In the end, I’d watch it – only if you’re a true DC fan, or you really want to see Batman and Superman fight.

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